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With social media, mobile phones, online video capabilities etc. today’s world seems more connected than ever, yet the truth is that the paradox of loneliness persists.
It just about 2 years ago when I found myself in tears, feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness, despite sharing my home with the awesome ever suffering husband and our mini.
It's a very peculiar feeling to experience loneliness in the midst of company, and that got me thinking about the profound influence of connections, both positive and negative, on our lives.
Loneliness, as I discovered, doesn't always stem from physical solitude. It can seep in even when surrounded by loved ones.
The absence of friendships, of a mix of genuine connections can leave a void, an actual ache, that social media and technology fail to fill.
Recent research highlights that over three in five people admit to feeling lonely, a sentiment that has surged since the onset of the Covid-19 pandemic. A statistic that makes me sad inside.
Reality is, that human connection isn't just about the number of people around us; it's about the quality of those connections.
Positive friendships and relationships act as our pillars of support, providing that sense of belonging, understanding, and shared joy we all crave.
As social beings, we are wired to connect, and fulfilling connections contribute significantly to our overall well-being.
Going beyond surface-level interactions; they dive deep into our mental and emotional well-being.
The 2021 World Happiness Report emphasises the correlation between increased connectedness during the pandemic and greater life satisfaction, resilience, and improved mental health.
Having a robust support system aids in overcoming challenges and maintaining mental well-being.
The benefits of positive connections also extend beyond mental health to physical well-being.
Studies show that strong social connections can strengthen the immune system and increase life expectancy by up to 50%.
50%!!
That’s mega!
I also once read that living in isolation can actually take 7 whole years off your life expectancy! A fact that for some reason has become embedded into my brain.
All of this is an absolute testament to the interconnected nature of our mental and physical health.
That being said, unfortunately, not all connections are positive, and when we do find ourselves in the midst of negative friendships or relationships. These too, can have significant consequences and impacts on our mental and physical wellbeing. As you can imagine these are not the type of consequences or impacts we need in a life that isn’t always easy as it is!
Identifying unhealthy or in modern language ‘toxic’ friendships is crucial for preserving our mental and emotional health.
Understanding the signs and patterns of toxic behaviour allows us to make informed decisions about the relationships we invest in.
But what are they?
When we crave connection it can be hard to identify them, it can also be difficult to recognise due to the oftentimes subtlety of these behaviours.
So I’ve done some research and pulled a few examples together!
Consistent Negativity:
Toxic friendships often manifest through a consistent negative attitude. You share things with friends, and those that aren’t necessarily ‘true’ friends can use this information to make you feel less. If a friend regularly uses your words or fears against you, criticises, belittles, insults or dismisses you, your achievements or aspirations, it may indicate a toxic dynamic. Pay attention to how their words or actions impacts your self-esteem and overall mood.
Manipulation and Control:
Toxic friends may engage in manipulative tactics to control situations or influence your decisions. They might use guilt, emotional blackmail, or other coercive strategies to get their way. If you find yourself feeling manipulated or controlled, it's essential to reassess the health of the friendship.
Lack of Support During Challenges:
Healthy friendships involve mutual support during both good and challenging times. If a friend consistently fails to offer support, empathy, or encouragement when you're going through difficulties, it may indicate a lack of genuine care. If all they appear to be interested in is what you can provide for them during their challenges and seem to disappear quicker than a jammy dodger from a plate full of plain digestives when your in need, then it’s time to let go. Toxic friends may even exacerbate your challenges or worse still completely dismiss your feelings. Wrong un’s!
Unreliable and Disrespectful Behaviour:
Toxic friendships often feature unreliable behaviour and a lack of respect for boundaries. If your friend frequently cancels plans, disregards your time, or violates your personal boundaries without remorse (I add without remorse as a person with ADHD still working hard not to cross others boundaries due to over affection!), all of these are a sign of disrespect. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and consideration.
One-Sided Relationships:
In a toxic friendship, the relationship can often be one-sided, with one person consistently prioritising their own needs, emotions, and desires over the other. If you find yourself constantly giving without receiving in return, it may indicate an imbalance that requires attention.
Difficulty Communicating Openly:
Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. In toxic friendships, communication breakdowns are common. If you feel unable to express your thoughts, feelings, or concerns without fear of judgment or retaliation, it's a mahoosive red flag for a potentially toxic dynamic. You deserve to be as authentically you as possible, warts and all! Anyone who makes you feel less, or question your own self worth is not your friend!
Lack of Growth and Positivity:
Positive friendships contribute to personal growth and a sense of joy. Toxic friendships, on the other hand, hinder growth and perpetuate negativity. If you notice that your ‘friend’ consistently stifles your aspirations or discourages your personal development then that’s a problem. Or a big one for me personally that’s even more abhorrent, is when someone tries to diminish you by consistently attempting to minimise your efforts, such as denying the help and support you have given them or even worse by raining on your parade and talking over you with their own achievements. You know what I’m talking about, if you’ve had a biscuit they’ve had cake with cherries, hundreds of thousands and gold on top, that they baked themselves from scratch with no help at all and ate it waayyy before you… well then it’s time to clear out! #BoreOff
Recognising these signs is the first step toward addressing toxic friendships. It's important to trust your instincts and prioritise your mental and emotional health.
If you find yourself experiencing multiple indicators of toxicity, consider seeking advice from your most trusted friends, family members, or even a mental health professional, to navigate the complexities of the relationship.
The reality often is that these toxic 'friends' harbour significant issues themselves, acting inappropriately as a misguided way to cope.
However, while understanding their struggles, it's crucial to acknowledge that their behaviour is not an excuse.
If attempts to communicate your feelings yield no positive response, it's not your responsibility. You can lead someone to water, but making them drink is beyond your control.
Prioritising your well-being is essential, and jeopardising your own life for someone unwilling to listen is not a sustainable path.
Building positive connections involves being intentional about the relationships you invest in.
Look for people who uplift and support you, share common interests, and contribute positively to your life.
Join clubs, classes, or online communities aligned with your passions – places where authentic connections can naturally flourish.
And most of all communicate!
Effective communication is the key to maintaining positive connections and addressing potential issues. Be open and honest about your feelings, expectations, and boundaries.
Healthy friendships thrive on mutual understanding and respect, so fostering clear communication is an absolute essential.
As we navigate the delicate and intricate web of human connections, it becomes evident that the quality of our friendships profoundly impacts our lives.
That’s not to say we or our friends won’t make mistakes at times, that we won’t disagree or even god forbid have a cross word.
But it’s important to be able to identify what is typical human emotions, feelings and behaviours from an absolute wrong un!
It’s also important to give yourself break, if it takes you some time to realise that you are in a toxic friendship that’s ok, you are not alone!
I’ve done it!
I’m 40 years old and still doing it! As I inherently want to see the good in people and I personally also crave connection.
Ultimately though, true positive connections act as a source of strength, joy, and resilience, contributing to our mental and physical well-being.
On the flip side, toxic friendships can erode our health and happiness.
The goal is cultivating and nurturing positive connections while recognising and addressing toxic ones.
By doing so, we pave the way for a richer, more fulfilling life anchored in the power of genuine, positive human connections.
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